this plush american life

Still fiercely miserable in the throes of my last month of being pregnant, I got caught up this week in the details of my maternity leave.

Let me just say: I think the US is barbaric. It's just wrong for a society to have no universal standard of maternity leave, in which a job like mine is considered good because I can take 10 weeks off at 70% pay. Teachers, after all, get nothing.

It's so fucked up.

When I was looking at the calendars with the HR lady yesterday and together trying to work out my best plan of action, I was struggling to not lay my head down on my desk and just bawl. Little tears were escaping in the corners of my right eye - I just kept my hand up on my face so she wouldn't notice (she didn't).

The finally-crafted end plan has me out from mid-April to the end of June. Returning to work July 1st, but using a combination of vacation days, leave without pay and regular working time, I'll be making 70% pay for that month and working mostly 1-2 days a week.

And this is good for the US - that I can have "that much" time... and "that much" time means I'll leave my little baby when she is 2 months old.

I don't know how I'm going to be able to do this.

cheese and...

My hands resemble raw pale, pink, plump, pork sausages. Constant pain from the swelling and the carpal tunnel. My wedding band, usually so loose, now cuts into all that swollen finger flesh.

The left side of my upper rib cage is in perpetual pain - dull, aching. Then the space right under my left boob is digs in sharply. Like a cramp or something. I have trouble breathing. My belly is heavy and feels like it's falling out. My feet are so gigantic I am now a full size and a half larger than usual. And they hurt, they really*really hurt. My back aches. My skin is dry, uncontrollably itchy, even right after I slather lotion on. It just is. I have horrible heartburn, even just from drinking water.

To top off this whine list is (no! not cheese!) but the fact that this baby kicks.
I mean, she WALLOPS me. I was kind of curious about whether or not it was quite this way with Micah, but according to my blog at that time, it wasn't, really: it was more like, discomfort. He was just a little soccer player. Not a head-butting bladder blaster who riverdances on the side.

This little girl is at it. To say she's 'got Moxie' is such an understatement.

One thing that is pretty freakin' awesome about this is that I am not longer worried about Ds. I mean, zilch. It's not on the spectrum of my frame anymore. The reality is: this is a little person. A baby in me. An extremely active baby. I'm in the final stages of growing this person.

This hits 'people first' in a whole new way. It's like I can't think of anything OTHER than people first right now.

Frankly, it's a relief.

feet up!

I've been doing the happy dance for a couple of days now - Moxie's head-down!! Here's what we have from our ultrasound on Wednesday:



Yep, it's not the full thing and we started filming rather late. But she's head down all right! It was pretty strange seeing her from that perspective - I've never actually seen a baby head-down.

Such a relief thinking that at the very least, a VBAC will really be an option for us.

That brings me to wondering a bit WHY this should be such good news for me?! What did Erma Bombeck call a vaginal childbirth? Something like squeezing a horse through a walnut? And I'm excited about that?!!

ha!

girls and gifts

Over-analyzing everything as usual, I think I'm packaging the sum total of everything that's been difficult for me in my life (especially disability-wise), putting it into a little box, wrapping it and then giving it to Moxie.

You know?

My story is my own and I should not project it on her. Her life and experiences will be very different from mine. I can't just blanket it all and just not be scared/worried. But I also don't need to make my story hers.

If she's got Ds, she's going to have a completely different picture. And of course it goes without saying (so why am I saying it?) that she's going to have a completely different parental unit than I had. Not that I'm all-better than mine, but I do get stuff regarding disability and not fitting in that I don't honestly think my parents ever did.

So anyway. That's my thought o' the day.

My goal of the week is be be a little more open with people about what I'm going through. It is hard to get support, after all, if no one knows I need it. And I need to give people a chance to pull through and not fuck up in their responses. I mean, I've only told a handful of people about all of this!

I need to chill out. Trust some more. Relax a lot. And quit projecting.

Right?

girlie thoughts

Mind you, I'd be terrified if I was having a 'normal' girl. Make no doubt about that.

I know that my being scared about having Moxie isn't 100% to do with Ds. I mean, unless the amnio was wrong about her gender, she's a girl. And girls...girls are such complex creatures, so vulnerable. So strong. So multi-faceted.

In my chock-full-of-stereotypes mind, boys are just... easy. When they are little, it's about play and trains and gidgety gadgety. They need to be taught skills to pay the bills. Be personable. But life is really pretty straightforward and non-complex for most boys, I think.

It just doesn't seem to be that way with girls. Girls are faced with so much - they have such high expectations on them from society: be pretty and smart, have a successful career. Be a great wife, great mom. Not age much past 30. Have a hot body at 50 (thank you, Madonna). Bear babies, breastfeed and have perky boobs - forever. Shave our legs. And so much more.

I've always been scared of having a daughter - a child that I'll love with all my heart and a child that will probably break my heart over what she'll have to go through in the course of her girl-life.

In some ways, if Moxie does have Ds, a chunk of that pressure and worry will automatically fall off. That would be a relief. A very good thing. I'd be far less worried about guiding her through the myriad of stressors, much more concerned with her just being happy and fulfilled as a person. And it seems like while with most 'normal' girls, societal expectations are sky-high for what they can/will/should accomplish in the course of their lives, they are at an amazing low for anyone with Ds. It seems like if she does anything at all, she'll be an instant success.

Maybe that's not so bad, is it?

a mother's dream

I had a dream the other night and duly brought it to my trusty therapist for interpretation.

In my dream I was very pregnant. Um, kind of like now. And living in some type of communal housing place. There was no one around. We had a dog, a Collie (we have a big fat cat in real life), and the dog was the only living creature around me.

I fell asleep.

When I woke up, there was a little pink, shiny, embryo-looking creature lying next to me. I thought, oh! I've given birth! And she's so clean - the dog must have licked her off! (I know... this is weird)

She looked like babies do in the early embryonic stages - kind of like a fish. Not very human-looking. I didn't know where her mouth was and as I thought I should feed her, I was holding a breast and kind of waving it around to see where it might make sense to put it. Then (just like in the movie Avatar, where they connect with the animals via hair ends) what was her mouth and my nipple kind of glowed and fused together. I was happy. Went back to sleep.

When I woke up again, she had grown to be a little child - maybe a year old or so. She had very long, huge, big hair. New Jersey Hair. Hair that looked like wig hair - dry and fake-looking. She said she wanted me to do something about her hair before I introduced her to anyone. I said, sure! how 'bout we cut it? She said no! Then I went for styling it - no! - no matter what I suggested, she said no. There wasn't anything I could do to her hair, given the parameters she was giving me.

The end.

My therapist said that it seems like I'm scared I won't know how to mother this child.

She also said that there could be something to do with wanting to help her when/if she's frustrated and not knowing how.

Her interpretation resonated.

looking through fear

I'm so scared again.

So. Freakin'. Scared.

Scared.

I'm having weird dreams about Moxie. I cry most of the way to and from work and am back to playing my playlist on rapid repeat.

One of the songs that helped me get through the worst stuff of last year is "Just Look Up". Rather unbelievably, it's supposed to be children's song - it's part of Folk Playground. I never really listened to it, until one day recently after my miscarriage, when I was seriously wondering how I could continue existing, the gods of itune shuffle slipped it in. It held me together. You can listen to it here, and here are the lyrics:

Every life must have its sorrows and its pain
Yes it will
Where there's sunlight there are shadows and sometimes rain
When you're down and can't get up
Lay both hands on a lovin' cup
Make each teardrop like a diamond
Just look up

Just look up when storm clouds block the sun (Just look up)
Just look up when there's nowhere left to run (Nowhere to run)
Remember how the trees must bend
And the mighty rivers went
There's a rainbow waiting for you
Just look up

For each promise of forever
There'll be times, yes there will
When you crawl 'til you swear you've had your fill
Keep your heart right on your sleeve
Stand your ground when you want to leave
There's a love that'll last forever
Just look up

Just look up when storm clouds block the sun (Just look up)
Just look up when there's nowhere left to run (Got nowhere to run)
Remember how the trees must bend
And the mighty rivers went T
here's a rainbow waiting for you
Just look up (Just look up)

When you 've lost that light that guides you from despair (From despair)
And the memories of dear ones fade with earthly cares
Know the spirits burnin' bright
Throughout all you're darkest nights
Make your life a testimony
Just Look Up

Just look up when storm clouds block the sun (Just look up)
Just look up when there's nowhere left to run (Nowhere to run)
Remember how the trees must bend
And the mighty rivers went
There's a rainbow waiting for you
Just look up (Just look up)

So that's where I am right now. Listening to this and trying to look up.