roar, tiger, roar!!!

I woke up early today, so very excited.
It's NEW YEAR's!!!
Year of the Tiger!

Let's hear you roar, pussy cat.

It makes me sooooooooooooo happy to know that we're heading for this new year, this new dynamic. Fresh start. Moving forward. All that. And tiger is a nice strong sign, good motion, good year for change and for continuing with things have been started.

There is a lot that I've started that I need to finish:

- artstuff: I want to finish getting my paintings and books together and sell them
- the art quilt
- make some kiddie wear and see if it sells here in Stroller City
- art class for kidlings
- finish all the cool projects that I have boiling at work

Then there are the things that I want to do:

- travel: check out some parts of Europe for our next potential home + go back to Peru
- learn more about print making
- learn how to frame my own pictures
- maybe buy a house - if we can swing it of course

Keep it simple, meriah. Keep it simple. There is more that I'd like to do of course, but I want to try and focus on the stuff I can actually get done in this here Tiger Year.

It's 9:05. I want dim sum. It doesn't open till 10. Sheeeeeeeeesh. Grrrrrrrrrr.

moving from the r-word

There is such commotion over the 'r' word stuff. Palin/Emmanuel, Palin/Rush. And just the use of it in general.

I was really on the fence about it - probably leaning more towards it not being that big a deal. That some people seem to be over-reacting. But then I read the Unknown Contributor's post and realized that I'm wrong. 'Retard' is not a word that should be used. Ever.

I read more blog posts about it - here are a smattering of my faves that wrote about the Palinstuff:

Finnian's Journey
Class of 2008
T-cubed

It's a big subject and I don't think I'd ever have really understood it if I hadn't read what these mothers wrote. Again, especially the Unknown Contributor. That one left me in tears and promising to never say it again.

On a bright note, check out the new entries from my fave-photographer-mommy-blogger, Conny Wenk - she has some new photos up - they always make my day.

blithering

I can't get that dream out of my head... I keep thinking of it. Every night before I go to sleep, I pray that I'll dream more of her because I want to know - so badly! - if that was really her.

I'm definitely in the 3rd trimester now. It's weird how clearly the trimesters are demarcated, how true those demarcations are, isn't it? I chugged along the 1st trimester, sicker n' sick. Then BAM! Hit the 2nd trimester and life was once again pretty darn good (except for all the other stuff going on). 3rd trimester and BOOM, I'm waddling. Having a hard time getting comfortable. Difficulty breathing again. Hands a'fire with pain. I want my ice cream!!! And all that same stuff that I had with Micah. It's nice knowing the ropes. This is normal. Not always fun, but totally normal.

I'm almost terrified of what things are going to be like with Moxie/Ds. And yet I want to hold her so badly. I love the person that she is inside of me - so very lively! - and I'm scared of all the unknowns.

Being all flooded with hormones, that translates to a lot of tears again. I cry a lot. Hardly ever in front of other people, but yes, oodles of crying.

I'm really trying to keep myself in line. Try to rest. Try to exercise everyday. Try to do funstuff and not just work all the time. Try to give in and play with Micah when I want to. Forget about all the housework that needs doing when I get home, forget about the dishes and whatever. Just relax.

And be.

The dishes can be done later.

moxie dreaming

I had my first dream of Moxie last night.

It was weird, as probably all of my pregnant-dreams are. But to make a long weird dream short, she ended up outside of my bus window, crying for me. I was astounded as to how beautiful she was, and could only just look at her for a long time.

Then it clicked that she was waiting for me to open the window, pick her up, hold her. I did. She put tilted her head and rested her forehead against mine, her tiny round body almost seeming to collapse in relief at being held.

She was so very beautiful. Much darker than Micah. Huge eyes. Dark, dark hair.

I wonder if it was really her?

book bouncing

I am so freakin' sluggish today. It's depressing that I seem to need a longer nap that Micah does AND I'm still yawning. I want a caffeinated beverage so bad it hurts. But I won't allow myself more than one half-caff/day and I've already used my quota. Rats.

Moving on from the whine, I started reading Love You to Pieces. I have to say... I'm not a fan. Maybe it gets better, but so far I'm really taken aback by the mothers. Partly the things they do that are meant to be innocuous (like chain smoking around them, feeding them fruit loops, stuff like that) and then the stuff that's just... horrible. Smacking their kids' head in a wall. I closed it after that story - nothing about it is helpful to me. The poetry stuff doesn't do much either. It's a far cry from Gifts - where the mothers are faced with huge grief and difficulty and go through it. And talk about it. It's not just left hanging, like it is in Love You. There hasn't been resolution so far in that one - it's like a dumping ground of emotion.

Maybe I'll get back to giving it another chance after I'm done with the book I moved on to - Riding the Bus with my Sister.

This one is terrific! She is a writer. It's just beautiful. While her sister doesn't have Ds, it still makes me feel good - it's simply the type of good that I'd enjoy regardless of any Ds/disability connection.

Good books can be hard to find, can't they?

Now I want to go back and veg out on the couch and read more. But I shouldn't. I don't have any more good books waiting in the wings so I need to take it slow with this one.

star trek to planet k'tan

I have to say that I've long felt that disability offers something similar to Star Trek: it's an opportunity to figure out a better way to do something. When the original Star Trek came out, computers were around the size of a full room. Inventors and engineers took a look at that show and thought, 'hmm.... maybe we can make them smaller...?' - it inspired them to strive to create something that was previously unheard of.

Disability is the same way. Someone is in a chair and can't stand? Well, how about crafting a chair that can rise? Lost your limbs? Well, let's make cool prosthetics! Want to run? Let's tweak that fake leg! Can't talk, "locked in" (when you can't move any part of your body except for your eyes)? Let's make a speaking board that will activate when you attach a laser to your forehead and program it!

I see this stuff all the time, every day. I love that disability can stimulate people. I love that we have a choice as to whether or not we accept those inventions, utilize them. Me, I get sick of my hearing aids and sick of not being able to hear sometimes but in all honesty, I doubt that I'd do something that make me magically able to hear. I like being able to turn things off, I like my silent world. I like sitting in a busy place sometimes and only being able to hear a soft hum of the commotion around, like a blurred painting, colours running together.

I like that choice.

And so many things that were originally invented because of a disability become standard and help everyone. Take the phone: invented to try and communicate with the deaf. Typewriters: the guy who crafted that up just wanted to write to his blind lover. And curb ramps, oh curb ramps! - for wheelchair users but now much beloved by stroller-toting mommies, bikes and little kids with their radio flyers.

I just found out about a new one: baby k'tan carriers. I asked Mommies on The Board which baby carrier they'd recommend, and most responses pointed to the baby k'tan. Which was kind of funny because I'd already heard of it (besides the fact that I live in Stroller City, it was a hit on my 'regular' mommy boards), but I had no clue that it was invented by two parents specifically for their little babies with special needs: a mommy who has a son with Ds and a daddy with a son with a heart problem.

I can't wait to try it.

time for care

I finally received a return message from Louise of the Care program. This is the one that my therapist referred me to and seems to be like a good place to start in my reaching out.

Yep, reaching out. I realized a few months ago that I've dug myself rather nicely into a very isolated place in the corner. It was a combination of things: I was burned to the quick from a couple of friendships and needed time to really recover. I moved, back to the US. And then more recently, I hooked up with Mikey and my life became highly focused on the us, on our family.

It's kind of funny being in this spot and just thinking, wow! I'm really lonely!

So with the feng-shui'ing process that I've been engaging in, I've paid special attention to the friends/helpful people 'bagua'. I need more friends. And I need more help.

That's what my reaching out to the Care program is about. I want to try and connect with others. I'll be doing the same with other organizations like the Down Syndrome Association. You know, I've never even met a child with Ds. I've seen people from time to time walking in the street who clearly have Ds, but I've never really talked to anyone with an extra chromosome.

I think that needs to change.