duly dated

I didn't realize that the whole point of the acupuncture that I engaged in on Tuesday was to reduce my anxiety and stress! Oh, that's funny!

When I went in yesterday, my acupuncturist asked if there were any changes... I said, no, not particularly, in a physical sense. But in a spiritual sense, I'm not worried at all about having Moxie anymore, not worried about Ds or the birth or anything. And she was all, 'oh! that's great and those were the points I worked on yesterday!'.

*chuckle*

I wish I'd done it earlier... so if any of you newly-diagnosed Ds Mamas read this, you might want to check acupuncture out as a way of becoming more stress-free over it all...?

I'm so very full o' child now. A still-active child that is sitting incredibly low in my pelvic area. Pressure! Pressure! Pressure! I've got a fair amount of contractions through the night. It's all good and it's exciting now that my birth team is assembled and I like them so very much.

Thanks to Helena and her cleaning gift (which took the team from 8:30am - 4:30pm yesterday), my apartment sparkles like a big, fat, fair-traded and happily-harvested diamond. The towels are stacked. The candles are out. The vision board is done, as is the playlist.

It's just waiting time now. And walking. So I'm going to go for a walk now.

*smile*

dreams and things

Another friend of mine had a dream about Moxie's birth. This makes 4 (that have told me, that is), and of the 4, only one knows about her Ds dx. So 3 friends (that I'm really not close to) have had a dream about her birth. the dreams were reportedly very good.

This seems unusual to me. Maybe it's totally normal. But I'm not used to it. And it makes me think that this baby is indeed special, for whatever reason. How else to explain the dreams?

I'm struggling to center myself, be at one and be as issue-free as I can right now.

Even though we're working with our awesome midwife/doula team (more on that in the other blog, doozeedad), I need for her to be born before 41.5 weeks on account of kaiser's timeline. When I become nervous and scared about her, I can feel the big wall building up inside.. and honestly? I don't think someone can be born with a big wall blocking the way.

I'm on a steady diet of homeopathy, acupuncture and sleep. Relaxing, preparing, letting go. Loving.

It feels good.

Now I hope I dream about my baby girl tonight.

a rainbow baby

You who have been reading Juicy Fruit for a while know that I've called Moxie "Rainbow" from the get-go. So many reasons... but to me, it just seemed to fit. The songs that helped me through the miscarriage of Ziggy were all about rainbows, looking up. And then in the early days of Moxie-growing, it seemed like she was getting a big kick out of everything. Laughing. Like she was just really bright, full of colour. Energy.

Even in those incredibly bleak times. I was so very confused because I was hearing one thing from the doctors and feeling another thing entirely from her. It's like the like feeling I had from the very, very beginning - that it would be a difficult pregnancy but that everything would end up very well. I had no idea at all what that means - still don't - but there it is.

This morning on on my Mommy Group thread, there was talk about 'Rainbow Babies' - and then others asking what a Rainbow Baby is. I got chills... big time. A Rainbow Baby is is a child born after a loss - a miscarriage, a stillbirth. Like it's said:

It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of any storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that we are not still dealing with its aftermath. It means that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

Wow.

I can't believe it. And here I thought I was just giving her a nickname!

what's got to give?

This morning I went in for my 39-week check and I walked away fuming.

The thing is, it's everything. It's having a 10 minute (if that) appointment the week before I'm slated to give birth. Lying on my back with very little pre-interaction with my doctor (whom I barely know) and having her hands go all the way up my vagina. Harsh lights. The discomfort. Then being told that OOPS! She'll be out of town from next week on so I'll be seeing a new doctor, someone I've never met before.

I guess that's not such a big deal, given that I'll probably be delivering my baby with the help of someone I've never met before. A whole team, a flock of people that I've never met before. I mean, it's just wrong. Wrong.

My doctor started rubbing me the wrong way when she said that if I wasn't more dilated next week, the new doctor would schedule an induction on me. Then she said that actually, they couldn't do an induction given that I've had a c-section before, so the new doctor might just schedule me in for a c-section next week. I rolled up my figurative sleeves and shook my head at that, "that's not going to happen - I won't do that". My doctor then said that they'd wait an extra week, but it'd be a good idea to have that c-section scheduled and I repeated myself. She didn't want to get into a fight with me and knew it was brewing so she was just like, ' okay, you guys can talk about it then'.

I can't believe this. But I can. I am not even up to my due date and the hospital is already pushing me for their timeline.

Bastards.

Mikey said that this is just the system and if I want to participate in it, some things have to give. I agree with him, so long as the things that you have to give aren't the things that had you participate to begin with: to have good health, care, to avoid things that will harm you. I can take waiting to see a doctor - sure. I can't take, nor do I think anyone should take - having to defend your right to avoid an unnecessary major abdominal surgery.

yes, the sun IS shining

The sun is shining gorgeously outside right now.

I know there is a full, fun day ahead of us with the Flea Market that we love on today.... it's full of immigrants (primarily Mexican), has the best food ever (toasted corn with chili, fresh handmade pupusas and tacos and everything else...) and it just really enjoyable.

So I'm going to try to enjoy it.

It's a bit of struggle I have to say, with my feet swelling out to THERE. I can't wear any shoes now except for my flip-flops. Moxie-girl moves so much that she kicks at the belly belt that gives me support and makes it hard to wear. My hands are in agony (hence the lack of blogging updates). I'm scared of how big my body and my face are getting - so bloated that I worry it'll join edges and form one massive meriah-ball and roll away. Or get squashed by a passing Jolly Green Giant. Or will be mistaken for a huge peach and I'll be sliced up and devoured by a pack of pie-hungry cats. YES! All of these scenarios make perfect sense in the context of my weird dreams that go on and on and on all night.

I'm not getting enough sleep either. That's a bit of a problem.

I'll get just enough so long as Micah naps too, for a good 2 hours.

I feel bad writing this too - after I lost Ziggy, I swore up and down that I'd never complain about anything related to being pregnant again if I was to be pregnant again and look. I'm not just complaining, I'm bitching!

Let me re-focus on the positives: the sun is shining. The Flea Market is on today. The doula stuff will come together (more on that later). The beautiful cleaning people will come and clean our place next week (more on that later). I got to meet Aya's boy, Luke yesterday and see her husband Sam after almost 10 years! (more on that later). My toes still look great (more on that later) and there are popsicles freezing in the freezer.

And did I mention the sun is shining?

loving a leave

I am on leave now... YES! I made it, hot diggity, do! I'm so thrilled, it's only slightly ridiculous.

- no need to check email! - I can nap! - no real time limits on getting anything done! - I can play trains with Micah at 10am! - I can live in my sweats!

...oh, the list goes on. And on. As I remember a-new that I don't need to go to work tomorrow, I can feel myself glow from inside. It's pretty awesome.

Yesterday, my first day off, I had a blast. Read only about 10 train books to Micah about 20 times, each (yes, I know them by heart). Went for a walk. Drew trains. Met up with a pregnant new friend. It was really a lot of fun.

Oh, one thing that happened yesterday made me pause. We went to Safeway to buy juice-making supplies (to make popsicles, of course) and both the card machine and the real human clerk asked me if I'd "like to make a donation to help people with disabilities". Ummm - what?

That's a little unsettling. Do I? Is that going back to me? The people I work for? Or... who exactly is this going to, and towards what end? It's funny how anyone who refuses looks like an ass towards people with disabilities. I wonder if they ask people that use wheelchairs if they'd like to contribute? Ha! I'd like to see that!

Anyway, moving on.

This leave is so different from my last one. It's more fun because I get to play with Micah all day. It's harder because I get to play with Micah all day!! It's easier because I get to play with Micah all day *chuckle* It's just different, you know? Better. And different.

We'll see how it all unfolds.

swigging a slurp

I'm feeling all right again about everything. Well, about the Ds, "everything" *smile*. I guess it's all just part of the process.... but yeah. I'm not freaking out anymore.

I think I'm thinking more about my 2-week break before her due date... and tying all the ends together. I'm thinking about finding a doula, how to go about it. Thinking of the errands that need running, emails that need sending and practical stuff like that.

Not so much about anything related to Ds.

I'm also only slightly obsessing over popsicles. How I love them and yearn for them, day and night. Slurp. Gulp.

ringing belly casts

I saw The Ringer last night and felt better.

It was funny, for one. And for another, it was great that the smart asses were those with Ds. That while they may have been developmentally delayed, they were not fools.

I liked that. A lot.

And it just felt good to laugh, you know?

I think today will be a good day. We're going to have a Ladies Outing which will include a pedi and food. That spells fun, especially since one friend is also pregnant (good stories!) and another just came back from Pakistan where she visited her extended in-laws (wow stories!).

And then tonight we are supposed to be making my bellycast.

I should have done this earlier and I've started to worry a bit that Moxie will get here before I make hers and then she'll be all pissed off with me when she's old enough to care. If she will be the type to care, that is. I don't want to take the chance that she won't care, so I'd better make it tonight and have it ready.

It was fun doing it with Micah! So easy and neat to see now.

Speaking of which, they both just got home from picking up the half n' half. I better quit writing.

pop, pop!

I am so obsessed with popsicles. It's bad - really bad. I wake up thinking of them. Wander around all day thinking of them. Want 'em, need 'em... must have 'em.... (yes, I do sit through client appointments, musing on flavours in the back of my head... this is why we should all get out on maternity leave at least a month before the baby comes!).

I have to say, it's more like I want 'ice-block' than an actual popsicle though. Ice block is what I used to have all the time as a kid in Fiji - it's just watery juice that's been frozen, usually with a stick in it. The thing about most ready-made popsicles that I find is that they are too something for the most part - too sweet, too rich, too smoothly textured. I like the knawing that goes on with an ice-block and I like how watery they are. Yum.

So I started making them. I just take sippy cups and fill them with watered-down juice, freeze it, and then relax in delight when they are done. I usually have multiple flavours freezing at once - grape/orange/and luscious lime. MMmmmm.... oh, lime, how I love you in all your tart glory.

I can't wait for next week, when my maternity leave starts and I can hang out with Micah and play trains and eat ice blocks all day!!! Oh yeah!!

breathing dreams

I had another dream, night before last.

In this, I had just given birth and the baby had been whisked away. A few hours (days?) later, the baby was brought back to me. It wasn't a she after all, it was a little he. With blonde hair. A plastic face that looked extremely strange, with African tribal markings by his ear.

I wondered if he was alive and just then, he blinked. Looked at me like he just couldn't grasp that he'd been born, this was his current reality. I felt the same way.

Of course I took that dream to my trusty therapist and she said that it seemed like for me anything could happen. That I didn't have anything set in regards to how my baby will be and so I'll have weird, crazy dreams like that in which someone so far from any type of expectation in the far reaches of my mind (- plastic face? boy? blonde hair?) will be what's real.

I know I've said it before. But I really am scared shitless right now. I see some kids with pretty severe Ds - like yesterday at Ikea - and I feel horrible, guilty, terrible - that I hope my child won't have it so bad. I wonder how I'll deal if she does. Everyone says I'll love her - but what if I don't? What if I look at her right after she's born and not feel that love that I'm supposed to? What then?

I feel like the most horrible person ever to even be thinking such thoughts. I'm supposed to be good and strong and brave. Not this quivering, scared excuse for a mama.

Deep breath.

caught in the eye

It's all a whirlwind now, full-on cacophony of worries, fears, work, chores, traffic, weird dreams, hormones, alien-belly-movement, swollen-self and a dash of over-analyzing angst thrown in.

I'm so scared of what might be.

And what on earth was I thinking in not lying about my due date? What did that serve me, other than having to work up to basically the last minute? Dang, if I had just fudged a bit, I could have been focusing more energy on long walks with my little boy (or swims!) and less on the nuts and bolts of my boss taking parts of my job. Silly reports that beg to be written. Stuff like that that doesn't mean all that much to me in the full-frontal of everything else.

Moxie still doesn't have a middle name. This really bothers me. My professor didn't get back to me and I am shy about harassing him. This leaves me with choices:

Rian - "magical" according to one baby book but "little king" according to other sources. Former is great; latter, not so much

Eleanor: "shining light"

Samara: "protected by God"

Kealoha: "the loved one"

Kaleiokalani: "child of heaven"

Hi'i'lani: "held in the arms of heaven"

'Alohilani: "heavenly brightness"

Eirian: "bright, beautiful"

Ziazan: "rainbow"

Ixchel: "rainbow"

That's all I have now in the way of names. I should probably stick with Ziazan because she's been a rainbow little girl to me all the while. I just wish I could put in something else related to brightness and being protected by God. But we haven't gotten the Vietnamese parts down - maybe they can either capture Rainbow or the other pieces?

I hope so.

Deep breath.

This too shall pass.