breathing dreams

I had another dream, night before last.

In this, I had just given birth and the baby had been whisked away. A few hours (days?) later, the baby was brought back to me. It wasn't a she after all, it was a little he. With blonde hair. A plastic face that looked extremely strange, with African tribal markings by his ear.

I wondered if he was alive and just then, he blinked. Looked at me like he just couldn't grasp that he'd been born, this was his current reality. I felt the same way.

Of course I took that dream to my trusty therapist and she said that it seemed like for me anything could happen. That I didn't have anything set in regards to how my baby will be and so I'll have weird, crazy dreams like that in which someone so far from any type of expectation in the far reaches of my mind (- plastic face? boy? blonde hair?) will be what's real.

I know I've said it before. But I really am scared shitless right now. I see some kids with pretty severe Ds - like yesterday at Ikea - and I feel horrible, guilty, terrible - that I hope my child won't have it so bad. I wonder how I'll deal if she does. Everyone says I'll love her - but what if I don't? What if I look at her right after she's born and not feel that love that I'm supposed to? What then?

I feel like the most horrible person ever to even be thinking such thoughts. I'm supposed to be good and strong and brave. Not this quivering, scared excuse for a mama.

Deep breath.