a knotted ache

I'm trying to keep in mind everyone who has it worse than me in regard to maternity leave:

1. My cousin Sue: besides the fact that she left the hospital the same day she pushed her son out (she couldn't afford to stay longer as she didn't have insurance), she only had 2 weeks off for maternity leave

2. Pat N: she went back to work after 6 weeks (this is getting close to me though - only 2 weeks' difference)

3. The Chinese lady from the Good Earth: she popped out her baby in the rice field and went right back to hoeing

In some ways, I can't say I think #3 had it all that bad - I don't mind working - that's not the issue. I mind leaving my baby.

A coworker recently returned from her 5-month maternity leave, all a'glow, positively beaming. She boiled her happiness down to her baby being in good care (MIL and sister) and the fact that she hadn't had a day away from her baby for her whole leave - only lots of date and regular nights out...

Ha! My own mother took care of my baby when I went back to work and not only did I not have a day away from my boy during my 5-month maternity leave, but I didn't have any date nights or nights out either.

And I was a wreck, mildly put.

I literally felt like my heart had been ripped out, my brain simply could not function. I am not the type of person who is wired to be away from my babies. No matter who is taking care of them, no matter how much time I've had, no matter what.

Which brings me back to this. I don't know what to do. I feel like just packing a bag and leaving. If we move back to Fiji, I know how to live off the land (thanks, Mom and Dad, for insisting on being subsistence farmers!). Maybe we could move to Montana? Montana seems to be an exotic place, ripe with possibility. Except for those winters, maybe.

If I find a way to supplement the income, I can stay at home for longer. I can get up to 5 months off - it's just that any time after June 30th is unpaid. I'm just struggling in how to strum up the energy to get a supplemental income together.

I was thinking that - HOLY SHIT - I am only going to have enough time to heal and then bam, I'll be back. No time for much else.

Bleh. What a long, depressing post. Sorry about that. I need to figure out a way to not be sad about this and make something positive happen. I think I'm going to take a shower now and think of cousin Sue and then think of stay-at-home jobs...

If you think of anything, would you let me know? Please?

For some reason, it also helps to hear of other people that have also done this and stayed sane... or people who have worse leaves.

Thanks