looking through fear

I'm so scared again.

So. Freakin'. Scared.

Scared.

I'm having weird dreams about Moxie. I cry most of the way to and from work and am back to playing my playlist on rapid repeat.

One of the songs that helped me get through the worst stuff of last year is "Just Look Up". Rather unbelievably, it's supposed to be children's song - it's part of Folk Playground. I never really listened to it, until one day recently after my miscarriage, when I was seriously wondering how I could continue existing, the gods of itune shuffle slipped it in. It held me together. You can listen to it here, and here are the lyrics:

Every life must have its sorrows and its pain
Yes it will
Where there's sunlight there are shadows and sometimes rain
When you're down and can't get up
Lay both hands on a lovin' cup
Make each teardrop like a diamond
Just look up

Just look up when storm clouds block the sun (Just look up)
Just look up when there's nowhere left to run (Nowhere to run)
Remember how the trees must bend
And the mighty rivers went
There's a rainbow waiting for you
Just look up

For each promise of forever
There'll be times, yes there will
When you crawl 'til you swear you've had your fill
Keep your heart right on your sleeve
Stand your ground when you want to leave
There's a love that'll last forever
Just look up

Just look up when storm clouds block the sun (Just look up)
Just look up when there's nowhere left to run (Got nowhere to run)
Remember how the trees must bend
And the mighty rivers went T
here's a rainbow waiting for you
Just look up (Just look up)

When you 've lost that light that guides you from despair (From despair)
And the memories of dear ones fade with earthly cares
Know the spirits burnin' bright
Throughout all you're darkest nights
Make your life a testimony
Just Look Up

Just look up when storm clouds block the sun (Just look up)
Just look up when there's nowhere left to run (Nowhere to run)
Remember how the trees must bend
And the mighty rivers went
There's a rainbow waiting for you
Just look up (Just look up)

So that's where I am right now. Listening to this and trying to look up.