apples and oranges

I went to the market today and had to hold back on crying... there were so many beautiful little girls running around. Just beautiful. Doing things little girls do. Being little girls.

None of them had Ds. I guess I'd be surprised if I did see a child at this point who has it; there don't seem to be any.

And it just overwhelmed me, again - how on earth am I going to deal with this if Moxie has Ds? How? How am I going to deal with her sitting in the shopping cart and looking at me with a face full of Ds characteristics (which I do not find attractive) and looking at me with dull eyes - and then just beyond her would be normal little girls just being girls. How????

I wonder yet again why this is so hard for me. I've done an endless amount of thinking and I don't think it's because of any chance of Ds being a reflection of me. I don't think this mostly because I see children - and my own child, Micah - as being their own people. They are not extensions of their parents. I mean, genetically, they are. But they are their own selves. When Micah is being gorgeous and funny and smart and kind, I don't take credit for it, any more than I do when he throws a shit-fit and starts screaming in the street. He is who is he is. My job is to parent him as best I can.

I do think there's a big chunk of just grieving for a child that may never be. If she has it. I mean, she's not ever going to be who she wouldn't have been if she didn't have that extra chromosome. If she has it, that is. But then that begs the question of comparing apples and oranges, right? I shouldn't be upset about that because we all need to just enjoy an apple and understand that it's not an orange and never will be an orange but that's entirely okay because an apple is good too. So I shouldn't be upset if she has it, shouldn't grieve for the "whole" and normal child she would have been without the extra piece.

Shouldn't, wouldn't, couldn't, shouldn't. I don't know.